A Reckoning Needs to Come

*Sigh*

I feel that angst right now. Actually, I’ve felt it for a few years…Yes…YEARS.

I get myself caught up in the day-to-day rut, tell myself things will look better or be alright or whatever other lie I tell myself to keep going through the motions. Just get through today and it’ll be better tomorrow…or next week…or next month…or next year.

I’m 42 or 43. Somewhere in the early forties. Forty, fat , and flatulent is how the rhyming scheme goes. I can change the fat and flatulent part. The years will keep adding up no matter what, but that’s not anything to be upset about. Years to me are years I’ve survived, years I won the game for awhile.

The thing that has bothered me for the past few years is the potential waste of drive, goal, effort, energy, and loyalty. I think I may have wasted the last 24 years or so associating with things that were not really in my best interest after all. I followed blindly instead of seeking out what would make me happy and let me grow in ways I’m interested in growing…not because it’s what the rest of the gang is doing. If I had followed the beat of my own drum instead of following the herd, I would be in a happier place.

Well…at least “I Think” I would anyhow. I guess there is no way to know things like that in hindsight. The best solution for me personally may be to break some ties with people and basically start over. Strangely enough, I’m not very saddened by that prospect. Some people currently in my life have had a change come over them through the years and I really do not identify that well with them anymore.

The biggest turn-offs have had to deal with personalities that have gotten progressively more judgmental, arrogant, “soap-box preachy”, callus, pig-headed, vain, and down-right mean and shitty when they drink. They are always quick to point the finger at people around them, but won’t ever admit they have been wrong or done something completely stupid, irrational, or mean-spirited. I do not have the patience for their tiny minds and rotten coal-dark spirits anymore.

What amuses me the most is how one person in particular always claims to have a good and positive attitude when they are the king-hell dickhead in my small group of acquaintances. It’s as if everybody around this douche are supposed to please him and him alone. Nah. No thanks. Take a hike and snack on a bag of dicks. Bon appetite and good riddance.

I should have made better choices years ago.

Very special thanks go to Randall Munroe creator of the hilarious and thought provoking web comic at www.xkcd.com. The comic at the top of this screed is his and really brought some “Eureka!” to my malaise about life and my associations with people.

All trials and tribulations will eventually pass and make me stronger. This journey is such a palm/face sometimes and I have to wonder what the hell I was thinking when I chose this path and what on earth was I expecting to learn this time around!?

“….and the band played on….”